


Hurting Me, Hurting You

by wonder_womans_ex



Series: brokenheartsfest 2020 [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canon Compliant, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Post-Sirius Black's Prank on Severus Snape, Sorry Not Sorry, Unrequited Love, angst angst angst, sadness!!!!!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-14 11:41:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29170518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wonder_womans_ex/pseuds/wonder_womans_ex
Summary: Sirius Black lost Remus Lupin three times. And each time, he lost a little more of himself, too.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: brokenheartsfest 2020 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2141424
Comments: 7
Kudos: 18





	1. Breach My Heart and Leave Me Broken

The first time Sirius Black lost Remus Lupin, he was fifteen years old. He spent his time in class staring at the back of Remus’s head, doodling hearts and initials on homework assignments, and having imaginary conversations in which Remus admitted he had a thing for rebellious boys who wore leather jackets and could turn into dogs. He composed love poems about things he would never speak of, and he believed in true love. **  
**

He was also, to put it kindly, a fucking idiot. 

These were Remus’s words, as screamed that fateful morning in the hospital wing as Sirius tried in vain to explain himself. 

But how, whispered Remus, voice hoarse and tears pooling in his eyes, could there be any explanation for this? For is it not, when one puts his trust in another, a crime of the greatest measure to betray that trust? To take his secrets and use them for one’s playthings?

Perhaps it was desperation that led him to say it. Perhaps it was the way Remus seemed almost like he wanted Sirius to give him a reason that made even the slightest sense. In any case, the last thing he would say to Remus for almost three months were a confession of love that he knew, even as he spoke, would never be taken as anything other than a half-hearted excuse. 

That summer, he wrote three letters. 

The first was to Remus—a plea for forgiveness, an attempt at explaining that which could not be explained. Hell, he was still trying to figure out why he’d done it, and this seemed the best way to get a grasp on it all. He sent it early one morning when he was still half-asleep, refusing to think about the consequences. 

His owl returned the following evening. It carried his letter, the seal unbroken. 

The second was similar to the first in nature, if not in recipient. If Remus didn’t want him in his life anymore, James probably wouldn’t either, but it was worth a try. 

Years later, drunk and exhausted, James told him that he did read the letter, but then promptly burnt it. 

The third, like the first, was to Remus, but as different as could possibly be in every other way. Where the first said ‘please forgive me,’ the third said ‘don’t trust me again.’ Where the first said ‘I promise to do better next time,’ the third said ‘I don’t deserve another chance.’ Where the first said ‘if you care about me at all, you’ll let me back into your life,’ the third said ‘if there’s anything fair about the world, I’ll suffer for this for the rest of my days.’ 

He sent it immediately after finishing, not bothering to read it over. He would have been surpsised if it was legible, with all the tears soaking the parchment, but this was something Remus needed to know. 

To say he was terrified as he passed through the barrier to platform 9 ¾ would be an understatement. His heart was beating out of his chest, his mind racing as he tried not to imagine the ride to Hogwarts in an empty compartment. When James and Peter passed, chatting excitedly, he ducked his head and tried to blend in with his trunk. 

He tried not to feel hurt when they either didn’t notice his presence or didn’t acknowledge it. 

True to his expectations, the Marauders’ compartment had no room for him. Where he himself usually sat, there was Frank Longbottom, laughing at something James had said. Though he tried not to, Sirius could not help but wish things were back to normal. 

As if hearing his thoughts, Remus looked up. Their eyes locked for a few seconds before Sirius tore his gaze away and ducked into an empty compartment, pulling down the blind and blocking out any view of the corridor. 

He let his head fall against the window, wondering how he was going to live with his three friends (he had to stop thinking of them like that; they were obviously better off without him) if he wasn’t even allowed to sit with them on the train. Maybe Frank could switch rooms with him. He seemed to have been accepted quickly as part of the group. 

The door of the compartment opened a crack. Sirius held his breath, keeping his eyes on the pastures outside. 

After a moment, he heard the telltale creak of the door being swung open, and a click as it was shut again. 

“I cried.”

“I know.”

He wouldn’t look at Remus. Not if he wanted to retain some semblance of composure. 

“I’m not talking about when it happened. I mean when I read the letter.”

“Oh.” It was all he could force out.

“And, fuck, Sirius, you can’t just say something like that and expect to get away with it! You can’t tell me you love me and expect me to be okay with it!” 

A tear slipped down Sirius’s cheek. “But I do. I do l—”

“No. No, you don’t.

“Because if you loved me, you wouldn’t’ve told Snape about the willow. You wouldn’t’ve abandoned me afterwards. You certainly wouldn’t’ve sent that letter.

“We’ll talk when you’re over this.” 

He was sobbing by the time Remus had left the compartment, practically slamming the door behind him. His face, he knew, was red and blotchy, and his eyelids were growing heavy.

The last thing that Sirius thought before drifting off to sleep was that he had never asked if Remus loved him back. 


	2. Trusting, as we Fade Into the Night

The second time Sirius Black lost Remus Lupin, he was twenty-one years old. At least, that’s the way he preferred to remember it. He’d be damned before he admitted that he lost Remus long before that—the same day he made the decision not to trust him. **  
**

Peter had been lying to all of them, planting doubt and letting it fester. Sirius had refused to believe him, at first, but…

“Be honest with me. When was the last time he told you where he was going?”

“I don’t know, alright? I’ve told you before; his missions are confidential! He’s not allowed to tell me!” 

“How do you know he would tell you even if he could?”

“Because I’m his friend, dammit! He trusts me!”

“It’s not like he has any reason to.”

“What?” Sirius rounded on Peter, fuming. “How can you say that? I have been there for him, through everything—”

“Funny, since I seem to remember differently.”

“So I made a stupid mistake as a teenager! He still knows that I’ll support him no matter what, that—”

“Even if he’s got a girlfriend?”

Sirius stopped dead. “What?”

“We all know how you feel, Sirius,” Peter said gently. “Fuck, you even told him so in fourth year, and you still look at him the same way you did back then.”

“No, he wouldn’t… he’d tell me, wouldn’t he?”

“He should have. You didn’t deserve to find out like this. But he cares about you, Padfoot. You’re his best friend. He would never want to hurt you like that, even if it just hurt you more in the long run.” 

Sirius sat down abruptly on the couch, staring straight ahead. It seemed to Peter he was trying not to cry.

Then, suddenly, “Who is she?”

Peter hesitated. “I don’t think I should tell you that.”

“Who is she, Peter?” His voice was harsh, but anyone who knew him well enough would be able to detect a quaver beneath the hardened exterior. 

“Don’t… don’t tell anyone this, okay? I’m still not entirely sure, and if it’s true, he wouldn’t want anyone to know—but then again, if it’s true then we have a right to know…”

“Who. Is. She.”

“Nevaeh Rosier.”

“The Slytherin?”

“That’s her. But I’m still not sure; I’m probably wrong—”

“Isn’t she a Death Eater? Why would Remus date a Death Eater?”

“Because… oh, Merlin, I feel horrible even saying it, but…”

“Just get on with it, Peter.”

“Because I think he’s working for them.”

There was a pause, long and empty. Sirius almost forgot how to breathe. 

“No. You must be mistaken. He would never, could never… would he?” 

“I don’t know. I mean, he seems like he would be the last person to betray anyone, doesn’t he? But he never tells anyone where he’s going, and…” Peter chewed his lip nervously, lowering his voice to a whisper. “And he was covering up his wrist at the order meeting yesterday.”

“You think he has the Dark Mark.” It wasn’t a question. 

“I… I do, yeah.” 

When Sirius finally spoke again, he sounded determined in the way only he could—like he was going to do something, even if for the sole fact that he didn’t want to. “I need you to be the Secret Keeper.”

“What? Me?”

“Yes, you, Wormtail. Think about it—the Death Eaters will suspect me first, especially if Remus is the spy. They’ll never think to go after you. Never. That’s their weakness—they underestimate anyone who wouldn’t be useful to them.” 

Peter nodded once. “I’ll do it.”

Almost a month later, as the lock on Sirius’s cell clicked closed, the thought crossed his mind that Wormtail—their Wormtail, their brother-in-arms—had been more useful to the Death Eaters than anyone could have imagined. 


	3. And Then we were Lonely

The third time Sirius Black lost Remus Lupin, he was thirty-six years old. It may have been more accurate to say that Remus lost him, but Remus would move on in time. For Sirius, it was forever. There would be no more chances, no more nexts. **  
**

There is something funny about the veil found in the Department of Mysteries. Those who pass through it do not truly die, nor do they live on. They receive no afterlife, doomed to an eternity among the living, unable to be seen or heard. 

For Sirius, it was a fate far worse than death. 

He could feel himself falling, even as the veil spat him back out. He could see Harry screaming, screaming, and Remus holding him back from leaping after Sirius. 

_I’m here,_ he wanted to say. _I came back to you._

When he reached out to wipe the tears from Remus’s cheek, his hand passed through like it was made of mist. 

He hardly noticed as Harry and Voldemort battled, as Dumbledore defended the rest of the Order, as the entire wizarding world found out about the Dark Lord’s return. He had eyes for only one—Remus, still staring at the veil. 

_I’m here. I came back to you._

When people left, one by one, he didn’t hesitate, didn’t think about where he was to go. Sirius had spent his whole life following Remus Lupin; it was only natural that he did so again.

He went with him back to Grimmuald place, watched as he opened the door to Sirius’s bedroom and stepped in. Slowly, he sat down on the bed Sirius had slept in only hours before, stroking one hand over the blanket. 

It only took a few seconds for him to break, collapsing with his face pressed into the pillows, body wracked with sobs. 

Sirius could do nothing but stand next to him, keeping vigil over the mourning man and aching to comfort him. 

_I’m here. I came back to you._

The stars had long risen by the time Remus quieted his cries. He looked at the sliver of moon in the sky, lost in thought, until there was a quiet knock on the door. 

“Come in.”

Tonks entered, eyes red. She’d been crying, yes, but Sirius could sense they had been pretty tears—ones of duty, not desperation. He didn’t know why he cared. 

“Are you alright, Remus?” 

“I think so.” Sirius knew otherwise. 

“It’s hard to lose a friend, isn’t it? I remember—” she clicked her fingernails together, a nervous habit Sirius remembered from when he would babysit her all those years ago. He smiled faintly, thinking back to when her mother had told her she’d grow out of it. Apparently not. “I remember in the first war, there was this girl who lived next door to me. Anya, her name was. Parents were both muggleborn. And they killed her. 

“I was only seven, then, but I know what you’re going through.”

She moved closer, trying to comfort him in the way Sirius so wanted to. Remus moved away. 

“I think… I think you might have, once. But…”

“But what?” She prompted. 

“But we weren’t just friends.”

If Sirius had been breathing, he would have stopped just then. 

“We weren’t more than friends, either. We never talked about it. But he loved me. He told me once, in a letter, that I was all that kept him tied down to this world. That he would buy me the stars if the sky would let him. That he was willing to break his own heart if it meant seeing me happy again.”

“And did you love him, too?” 

There’s not a lot Sirius wouldn’t have given to hear Remus’s answer right then. 

“I do. I think I have for a long time, but I never told him. I would, if he were here now.”

_I’m here. I came back to you._

But he hadn’t—not really. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!
> 
> come say hi to me on tumblr: [ wonder-womans-ex](https://wonder-womans-ex.tumblr.com/)
> 
> asks are always open :)


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